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For the episode, see The Meeting.
See also: Full transcript on transcripts.foreverdreaming.org
Michael: I'm going in for a procedure today.
Oscar: Is everything okay?
Michael: Yeah, it's routine. I'm just a little bit scared.
Oscar: I'm sure everything will be fine. [pulls up a chair] What do you? What's the procedure, if you don't mind my asking?
Michael: It is a colonoscopy.
Oscar: Okay.
Michael: In your experience, what should I be expecting in terms of sensation or emotions? [Oscar looks irritated and frustrated] Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shaundry?
Oscar: Oh my God.
Michael: My main concern, should I have a safe word?
Oscar: Yeah. [gets up and walks out]

Michael: If you are lying to me right now Pam, your baby is gonna come out a liar. That's how it works. They inherit things through the breast milk.
Pam: Please don't talk about my breast milk.

Dwight: Here, get down! He's not using crutches! Get the camera!
Toby: Get over there! Get over there!
Dwight: Oh, worker's comp, my ass!
Toby: I can't believe this. [mistaking Darryl's sister for Darryl] Hey you, ass****!
Dwight: Toby...
Toby: You gonna eat all that dog food yourself?
Dwight: Ooohhh... [crashes car into garbage cans] Oh man! You okay?
Toby: Just keep going.

Jim: I tried to keep Michael in the dark. I should have known that he can do just as much damage in the dark.

Jim: How many times have I asked you to put me up for a branch manager job.
Michael: I never recommended you because I didn't want to lose you and I didn't want to lose Pam, [starts to choke up] and now I don't wanna lose the baby.
Jim: So instead, you screwed me?
Michael: That's what she...
Jim: No.

Dwight: (reacting to Jim being promoted to co-regional manager) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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