- For the episode, see Survivor Man.
- See also: Full transcript on transcripts.foreverdreaming.org
- Toby: Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat. It was this amazing, beautiful experience [Michael knocks on the window behind Toby from outside]
- Michael: [From outside] Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just, wrap it up.
- Toby: Michael wasn't invited.
- Dwight: I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had Velcroed under my desk. People say, "Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the work place." Well I say, "It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose."
- Michael: Now in this case, this disaster is a serial killer, creepy guy who's abducted me and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead.
- Dwight: No, I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape.
- Michael: Well yes, I would and I would survive.
- Dwight: I would make sure that you were dead. Believe me.
- Michael: No.
- Dwight: Then I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified. And they would call me "The Overkill Killer."
- Michael: You—you are—you are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real.
- Creed: I hate devil's food.
- Jim: Well I think Meredith was just —
- Creed: Screw Meredith, I don't think it's fair to let someone else pick the cake on my birthday.
- Jim: Everybody's birthday.
- Creed: Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake.
- Jim: What do you want?
- Creed: I want pie. I want peach pie.
- Jim: You want a birthday pie?
- Creed: I want a nice cobbler.
- Jim: Well, I'm gonna to talk to Angela and we're gonna see what we can do about a pie.
- Creed: I don't care who you talk to. Just make it happen.
- Jim: It will be Angela.
- Creed: You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means.
- Dwight: I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support, but I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity.
- Michael: I wish I could've gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I...have...hemorrhoids!
- Stanley: I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die.
- Oscar: Why don't you just have an apple?
- Stanley: Why don't you mind your business?
- Jim: Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years.
- Michael: That's what I said. That's what she said.
- Jim: That's what who said?
- Michael: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.
- Jim: That's what she said.
- Michael: Hey! Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward.
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